Marriage – To Obey or Not to Obey

 

I don’t blame Kate Middleton for choosing to omit the word ‘obey’ from her upcoming marriage vows. The bride-to-be will only promise to love and cherish her husband for the rest of their lives together. After all, why should a modern woman in the 21^st century be forced to accept an injunction conjured by a male mortal nearly 500 years ago?

The answer lies in the question – a law invented and imposed by a human being. During the 16^th century, Thomas Cranmer, an archbishop of Canterbury, wrote and compiled the first two editions of the Book of Common Prayer, a complete liturgy for the English Church. It contained, among other words of worship, the orders for conducting marriage services. The use of that book was made compulsory as soon as it was written. Many revisions and editions of that book were made and since 1662 the Book of Common Prayers commanded all brides to vow to ‘love, cherish & obey’ their husbands for the rest of their lives. 

Since its commandment is by an ordinary man (i.e. 16^th century archbishop), even the present-day archbishop (Rowan Williams) takes a dig at the nuptial vows by calling them ‘outdated & sexist’. Not only that, but his religious council stated that ‘a promise to obey was in the past part of different standards and expectations of women and men within marriage, for example the fact that women had no standing in law until 1926.’

This is why I don’t fault Ms. Princess-to-be for her rejection of ‘obedience’ as part of a matrimonial clause. If I was in her place, I’d question it too.

Perspective change

However, alhumdullilah, I’m not in her place and I will not question obedience as an injunction. Simply because I’m not taking orders from an ordinary man – a mortal human being. The Islamic injunction of obedience to husband is commanded by Allah, the Lord of all creation.

“…the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.)…” *1

And Allah commands HIS prophet to further stress on this characteristic when describing the qualities of the best woman in the following words:

“The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he tells her to do something, and does not disobey him with regard to herself or her wealth in a way that he dislikes.” *2  

This is why the concept of obedience to husband in Christianity or other religions is very different from that of Islam. Muslim women obey their husbands in obedience and submission to their Lord’s command. Plain and simple. This is why this command is not up for questioning, debate, modification, revision, or abrogation.

A wise advice to women is given at the time of their marriage: “Obey your husband to please God, not because he IS your god”.

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Obedience comes with clause

However, this obedience is not absolute. A woman is not required or expected to blindly comply with her husband’s wishes if they go against the orders of Allah & His Messenger. “There is no obedience to a created being if it involves disobedience of the Creator.” *3

Outdated standards?

The natural inclination and disposition of human beings do not change with time, hence basic expectations remain the same. A man’s innate need to be respected and a woman’s to be cherished in a relationship does not fade with the passage of centuries. The order and balance that are required to nurture a family and run a household as one harmonious social unit are universal. Just as marriage and family have existed in the past, the dynamics of successful matrimonial relationships haven’t changed with social evolution.  

Why husband?

Do we wonder or ask why a mother is chosen over a father by Allah for the highest status and honor? And not just chosen, but preferred three times over the father in terms of rights, obedience, and good treatment. We don’t question HIS Wisdom there because we can see some of that wisdom and reason. However, we can’t see HIS wisdom in the case of preferring a husband over a wife for superior rights and position within a family. Men and women being so different and having diverse roles and experiences simply cannot completely comprehend the trials faced by the other in carrying out his/her roles. This is why Allah, who is the most Appreciative, has honored the roles that include the most trials & greater responsibilities with a preferred status in this world – woman from father & mother and man from husband & wife.

To the secular-inspired ears, perhaps, the words like ‘obedience’, ‘marriage’, ‘husband’ & ‘wife’ in a single sentence might sound archaic if not blasphemous. However, if one wishes to truly submit, it’s easy to accept this command by just tweaking one’s viewing lens – every person should see his or her standing and status in relation to Allah, instead of others. “And wish not for the things in which Allâh has made some of you to excel others. For men there is reward for what they have earned, (and likewise) for women there is reward for what they have earned, and ask Allah of His Bounty. Surely, Allâh is Ever All­ Knower of everything.”  *4  Submission will become easier inshaAllah.    

Obedience leads to dull marriage?

There is a notion among some segments of society that an obedient wife is equal to a dull, boring, and mousey woman, which in turn means a dreary and lackluster married life. This impression is far from the truth (unless a spouse actually happens to be a dull & boring character!). In a household upholding the limits of Allah, there is still room for those occasional disagreements, passionate debates, emotional outbursts, giddy challenges, silly humor, stimulating competitions, pretentious moods, silent treatments, and those ardent expressions of upsets and affection – hardly a picture of matrimonial monotony. Ask the man of such a house about his wife, and he will happily describe her as ‘obedient’.     

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*1  [Quran 4:34]

*2  [Narrated by Abu Hurairah, Narrated by al-Nasaa’i (3131); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i.]

*3 [reported by Ahmad, 1041; a saheeh hadeeth]

 *4 [Quran 4:32]

 

 

Inside the world of UK Muslim women-Survey

Inside the world of UK Muslim women

A major survey shows most want to marry their soulmates and enjoy high street fashion, while keeping a delicate balance with their Islamic values.

She wants to marry her soulmate, shops in Primark, TK Maxx and Topshop, and dreams of starting her own business. Meet the typical Muslim woman in Britain today.

A thousand women throughout the country have responded to the biggest lifestyle study of Muslim women undertaken in the UK. It appears to show that Muslim women have established a delicate balance between a desire to live a contemporary lifestyle and tap into consumer trends while sticking to values underpinning the Islamic guide to life. …..

Na’ima B Robert, editor of Sisters Magazine states:

“… Believe it or not, there are many Muslim women like me, frustrated at the ignorance and bias that so often accompany our society’s attempts to address any issue surrounding Islam and, in particular, Muslim women….

I love the fact that Islam is still central to our values. I love the fact that we still believe in finding our soulmate and that marriage and children are important, in the face of high divorce rates and a general move away from marriage. I love the fact that we are making our mark, either in employment, as students or full-time mothers, in spite of the dire statistics about low achievement among Muslims. I love the fact that we cook fresh meals and eat out, that we entertain at home and travel abroad, that we embrace hijab and shop on the high street. I love that we are so ordinary, and yet so extraordinary.

That is just one of the reasons why this survey is so refreshing. Somehow it manages to be both ordinary and extraordinary. Ordinary in the sense that the questions we asked were about daily life, about human details, details that, while making up the majority of our lives, rarely hit the headlines. It is also extraordinary in its size compared with previous surveys, the response we received and the value of those responses – to us as individuals, as businesses, as a community and as a society.”

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Interesting……..the only question is how accurate the results are. I was asked to participate in this survey. And i did. However, i’m neither UK-based nor from the UK. There were a number of sisters who took the survey from other parts of the world. However, the results surmise all responses to be of UK muslim women.