Marriage – To Obey or Not to Obey

 

I don’t blame Kate Middleton for choosing to omit the word ‘obey’ from her upcoming marriage vows. The bride-to-be will only promise to love and cherish her husband for the rest of their lives together. After all, why should a modern woman in the 21^st century be forced to accept an injunction conjured by a male mortal nearly 500 years ago?

The answer lies in the question – a law invented and imposed by a human being. During the 16^th century, Thomas Cranmer, an archbishop of Canterbury, wrote and compiled the first two editions of the Book of Common Prayer, a complete liturgy for the English Church. It contained, among other words of worship, the orders for conducting marriage services. The use of that book was made compulsory as soon as it was written. Many revisions and editions of that book were made and since 1662 the Book of Common Prayers commanded all brides to vow to ‘love, cherish & obey’ their husbands for the rest of their lives. 

Since its commandment is by an ordinary man (i.e. 16^th century archbishop), even the present-day archbishop (Rowan Williams) takes a dig at the nuptial vows by calling them ‘outdated & sexist’. Not only that, but his religious council stated that ‘a promise to obey was in the past part of different standards and expectations of women and men within marriage, for example the fact that women had no standing in law until 1926.’

This is why I don’t fault Ms. Princess-to-be for her rejection of ‘obedience’ as part of a matrimonial clause. If I was in her place, I’d question it too.

Perspective change

However, alhumdullilah, I’m not in her place and I will not question obedience as an injunction. Simply because I’m not taking orders from an ordinary man – a mortal human being. The Islamic injunction of obedience to husband is commanded by Allah, the Lord of all creation.

“…the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.)…” *1

And Allah commands HIS prophet to further stress on this characteristic when describing the qualities of the best woman in the following words:

“The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he tells her to do something, and does not disobey him with regard to herself or her wealth in a way that he dislikes.” *2  

This is why the concept of obedience to husband in Christianity or other religions is very different from that of Islam. Muslim women obey their husbands in obedience and submission to their Lord’s command. Plain and simple. This is why this command is not up for questioning, debate, modification, revision, or abrogation.

A wise advice to women is given at the time of their marriage: “Obey your husband to please God, not because he IS your god”.

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Obedience comes with clause

However, this obedience is not absolute. A woman is not required or expected to blindly comply with her husband’s wishes if they go against the orders of Allah & His Messenger. “There is no obedience to a created being if it involves disobedience of the Creator.” *3

Outdated standards?

The natural inclination and disposition of human beings do not change with time, hence basic expectations remain the same. A man’s innate need to be respected and a woman’s to be cherished in a relationship does not fade with the passage of centuries. The order and balance that are required to nurture a family and run a household as one harmonious social unit are universal. Just as marriage and family have existed in the past, the dynamics of successful matrimonial relationships haven’t changed with social evolution.  

Why husband?

Do we wonder or ask why a mother is chosen over a father by Allah for the highest status and honor? And not just chosen, but preferred three times over the father in terms of rights, obedience, and good treatment. We don’t question HIS Wisdom there because we can see some of that wisdom and reason. However, we can’t see HIS wisdom in the case of preferring a husband over a wife for superior rights and position within a family. Men and women being so different and having diverse roles and experiences simply cannot completely comprehend the trials faced by the other in carrying out his/her roles. This is why Allah, who is the most Appreciative, has honored the roles that include the most trials & greater responsibilities with a preferred status in this world – woman from father & mother and man from husband & wife.

To the secular-inspired ears, perhaps, the words like ‘obedience’, ‘marriage’, ‘husband’ & ‘wife’ in a single sentence might sound archaic if not blasphemous. However, if one wishes to truly submit, it’s easy to accept this command by just tweaking one’s viewing lens – every person should see his or her standing and status in relation to Allah, instead of others. “And wish not for the things in which Allâh has made some of you to excel others. For men there is reward for what they have earned, (and likewise) for women there is reward for what they have earned, and ask Allah of His Bounty. Surely, Allâh is Ever All­ Knower of everything.”  *4  Submission will become easier inshaAllah.    

Obedience leads to dull marriage?

There is a notion among some segments of society that an obedient wife is equal to a dull, boring, and mousey woman, which in turn means a dreary and lackluster married life. This impression is far from the truth (unless a spouse actually happens to be a dull & boring character!). In a household upholding the limits of Allah, there is still room for those occasional disagreements, passionate debates, emotional outbursts, giddy challenges, silly humor, stimulating competitions, pretentious moods, silent treatments, and those ardent expressions of upsets and affection – hardly a picture of matrimonial monotony. Ask the man of such a house about his wife, and he will happily describe her as ‘obedient’.     

 **********

*1  [Quran 4:34]

*2  [Narrated by Abu Hurairah, Narrated by al-Nasaa’i (3131); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i.]

*3 [reported by Ahmad, 1041; a saheeh hadeeth]

 *4 [Quran 4:32]

 

 

“10 Secrets of Effortlessly Thin People”

 That was the attractive title of MSN’s recent article under the Health & Fitness section which received much flak from readers.  And, perhaps, rightly so. Why? Because one, no ‘secrets’ were revealed and, two, NOTHING desirable in life comes ‘effortlessly’ (with one exception i.e. read points 1-3 below). The 10 “secrets” comprised of one or two good points, a couple of bad or wrong ones & the remaining were simple common sense advice on healthy eating & exercise.

Below is my take on the article.

I call it:                                                                 

                             “12 Reasons & Practices of Sensibly Thin People”  

1. Blessed with it! It is a blessing from Allah (SubbhanawaTaAala) first & foremost. In a world where being over-weight spells inevitable doom in the arena of vanity & health, if one is effortlessly lean, it is nothing but a great bounty from Allah (SubbhanawaTaAala).                                                           
2. ‘Slim’ Genes. Yes, that is another very major reason for being easily thin. You either have them or you don’t. People blessed with such genes don’t know the spelling of ‘diet’ or ‘exercise’, but they sail through their lives’ tests with small girth, lean silhouette & envious friends!                                 
3. Natural Body Type. People are classed into body types called Ectomorph (soft & delicate), Mesomorph (hard & muscular) & Endomorph (big & round). Usually this division is associated with geography & race. Majority of effortlessly slim people are ectomorphs. Again, it a blessing if you find yourself on the ‘ecto-side’ of the scale.                                                                                            
4. Eat Small Portions. Yes, its common sense & it WORKS.                                                               Prophet (sallallahualaihiwassalam) said: “The food for one person is sufficient for two, the food for two is sufficient for four and the food for four is sufficient for eight.” ¹                                                                             
5. Don’t go for second helpings. One serving really is sufficient for satiation & energy requirement of the body. The trim people live by that tenet & only allow one or two of their favorite dishes to be an exception to this rule.                                                                                                                  Prophet (Salulaahualihiwasallum) said: “The child of Adam fills no vessel worse than his stomach. Sufficient for the child of Adam are a few morsels to keep his back straight. If he must eat more, then a third should be for his food, a third for his drink, and a third left for air.” ²                                                   
6. Eat Slowly. Doesn’t matter if they are the last one to finish their meal at a party. This practice has multiple benefits & goes a long way in ensuring they eat less, really savor the taste & digest better.                 
7. Eat with three fingers. This is the practice of the Prophet (Salulaahualihiwasallum).³ There are immense health benefits to it as it helps keep one in-line with the SLS eating principle (i.e. eat Small-eat Less-eat Slow). Learn how to eat this way by reading, “Fingers, Food & Sunnah“.                  
8. Eat Dinner with a T-Spoon. Yes, ditch the traditional dinner spoons. They are way too big. You inadvertently end-up eating too much too fast. Ever seen a slender person eating with a dinner spoon? No, it won’t even fit in their mouths. If you heap your dinner morsels on those gigantic things, then be prepared to become one!                                                                                                                                                                    
9. Enjoy favorite calorific desserts. Yes, who says you have to deprive yourself of good food. The golden key with slim people is “moderation”. There is indescribable pleasure in dipping that spoon in a bowl of rich chocolate mousse.                                                                                            ”Those who show moderation in eating find greater pleasure in their food than those who overindulge. When they become addicted and habituated to their indulgence, they find no great pleasure in it anymore, though they might suffer for want of it when they do not have it and endure ill health because of it.” ⁴                                                                                                                                                                  
10. Don’t mix two carbohydrates at one meal. Carbohydrate-rich food consists of bread, pasta, rice, etc.  They don’t combine any of them in one meal. There is a tendency of overeating, without realizing it, if you combine any two.                                                                                                    ”The Prophet ( Salullahualahiwasallum) never mixed two hot dishes, or two cold dishes, two constipating dishes, two laxative dishes, two heavy dishes, two liquid foods or two types of food that produced the same condition.” ⁵                                                                                                                    
11. Clean the plates. This is the exact opposite of what was suggested by the author of the afore-mentioned article. She sites the logic that “thin people are tuned into noticing when they are satisfied, and they stop eating even if there is food left” on their plates. WRONG! That’s not what thin people do. I suggest we go one step back, use common sense & knowledge of our own stomach-size & only serve ourselves measured quantities that we know is our body’s requirement. That way we don’t waste food. Plus, we don’t miss out on the blessings found in the food.                                                                                                                                                          ”… “…and eat and drink but waste not by extravagance, certainly He (Allaah) likes not Al‑Musrifoon (those who waste by extravagance)” ⁶                                                                                         “…And he commanded us to clean the plate, and said, ‘For you do not know where in your food the blessing is.’” ⁷                                                                                                                                         
12.  Physically Active. It does not have to be a gym membership or a boring treadmill at home for them. Their key to consistency in physical exercise is to either do something that is also functional or something that’s enjoyable. Ditch the domestic helper. A simple regular house cleaning that includes dusting, sweeping & mopping the house is sufficient to keep their metabolism efficient. There’s nothing like pure active fun to bestow agility & leanness to their bodies. Table Tennis or mini indoor trampoline anyone?                                                                                                             Prophet (Salullahualihiwasallum) said, “Any action without the remembrance of Allah is either a diversion or heedlessness excepting four acts: Walking from target to target [during archery practice], training a horse, playing with one’s family, and learning to swim.” ⁸

                        ……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

¹    Sahih Muslim 971

²    Sunan al-Tirmidhî 2380, Musnad Ahmad 17186 and authenticated by al-Albânî in Sahîh al-Jâmi

³      Muslim-2031, Ahmad-26626, Abu Dawood-3848  

⁴      Writings of Ibn Taymiyah

⁵    Medicine of the Prophet by Ibn Katheer     

⁶    Quran, al-A’raaf 7:31

⁷    Muslim, 2034 

⁸     Tabarani